


Greed Heart

by nauticaas



Series: My Name is Sea [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2266335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticaas/pseuds/nauticaas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A thief’s love is not the easiest thing to navigate. Nami reflects on certain self-doubts and flaws the night before Alabasta. Mentions of self harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Greed Heart

She couldn’t stand thinking like this anymore, but by then it was too late: those thoughts burrowed themselves into her mind like  _worms_  and  _claws_  and  _slimy_   _tentacles_. Even drinking herself sick with Zoro (treating it more like a knife to her wrists than the competition it should have been) did nothing to temper the bleeding in her brain anymore. If anything, the swarm of bees between her temples became a guilty warm buzz that ruined her emotions. Mapmaking was the only way she could block it out anymore.

Nami laid down a final set of lines on her map of Little Garden, and her shaking hand gave the eastern Skull Mountain an inaccurate, jagged ridge. She sighed and grabbed her gum elastic to correct the mistake; she could go over it with her wide-tip plume later. Two slip-ups later, she tossed the sheet aside and picked up a new one, titling this one  _Alabasta._ They had just arrived at the sloping coastline of the summer island that the country was located in, and already the swarm in her head had become a fever-pitch frenzy that left her feeling nauseated and angry. She hated that shore more than anything else right now, and yet, through  _her_ , she had come to love it just as much.

And here she was, like a moth drawn to the flame of Nami’s awful, ugly thoughts.  _Not that she will ever know it._

Vivi smiled and set a steaming mug of something dark and sweet (probably hot chocolate to counter the cold winds coming down from the night desert climate) on her desk after making a little cove of a space for it. “Sanji made us a little something for the night…are you feeling alright, Nami?”

 _No_ , the words scorched the inside of her mouth,  _I am not and it’s all your fault_. They tasted like poison and made her stomach turn because they were true and they weren’t. That shameful part of her reared its grotesque head and she almost,  _almost_  said it aloud. Instead, she forced a smile on her face and downed half of her drink in one go. It scalded her tongue and throat but made the taste of her words palatable, or at least not as hard to swallow. “Y-yeah, I’m just tired, Vivi. Go on ahead; I’ll catch up in a minute.”

“Don’t stay up too late,” Vivi advised her, though it was lacking her usual soothing cheerfulness. Nami noticed the bags under her eyes and felt the buzzing in her head quiet so that the other part of her could tackle the situation.

“Hey, you should get some rest,” she chirped and herded Vivi towards the beds, blushing when the princess whirled around and caught her by the hands before they even made it two steps. No, not this, not now when she was just holding herself together. “V-Vi…vi…?”

Vivi lowered her gaze and breathed in a trembling sob. “I’m sorry, Nami…it’s just that… tomorrow-”

Nami didn’t think twice before interrupting her with a soft chuckle. “-is going to turn out fine, Vivi. No matter what happens, I want you to believe in the boys, as stupid and crazy as they are. This crew isn’t going to let you down.”

Her eyes filled with tears but Nami caught a glimpse of a smile on her face before she threw her arms around the navigator, startling her and sending the swarm in her head into a frenzy. “Thank you, Nami…it’s just the nerves. I know I can count on you and I’ll definitely try my best too! ” 

 _Don’t trust me_ , Nami snarled in the confines of her mind, holding onto her faculties before her hold on Vivi could become possessive.  _I am still nothing more than that greedy little girl who only learned how to steal what she wanted, and I can’t be as close as you want to let me. Because despite everything, even though I want nothing more than for you to be happy, I am so scared that I won’t be able to leave you to Alabasta after all._

She pinned a smile to her face, one she was grateful that Vivi would never see. “I know you will. Now go get some sleep; I just have some outlines to finish before we make port.”

Vivi’s fears assuaged, she went to bed and was out like a light before she knew it. It struck her how burdened and exhausted she must have been, and as Nami watched her sleep, she realized that their friendship, no matter how deep and heartfelt, would never compare to Vivi’s love for her country and her people. Fury rose up in her mouth like fire, and she scowled at the map of Alabasta through the film of tears in her burning eyes.

Nami’s swarm howled in her mind and railed at her ( _how awful, how wicked, how wretched you are);_ she had done the unimaginable before. Betrayal was nothing new for her, and regrets were too easily gained for her to care. In her own sick way, she relished the hatred that her underhanded ways had brought her before. She could make it work, couldn’t she? Alabasta had survived without Vivi before, right? They would just have to deal with it because what Nami wanted-

She remembered the sight of Vivi’s tears like a well of light against the fiery explosion the night that Igaram had died, the thin red trail of blood on her chin when she bit through her lip. Her anguish in the face of Miss All-Sunday’s callous taunting back in the waters beyond Cactus Island. The worry in the frown of her mouth when she recalled the turmoil of her beloved home. Her unwavering passion.

Then Nami remembered her smile, and the swarm in her head sobered away; it let her remember the warmth in her heart that Vivi’s happiness brought her. There were more important things than greed and want and desire, and she made her remember all of that through the ache in her heart as they approached the final leg of their journey. Maybe she couldn’t have everything she wanted, because that wasn’t what was best for Vivi, but there were some things that she could give to Vivi, and that made up for the bleeding in her mind and heart and the loss of her ten billion belis…and the absence of the princess at her side. She closed her eyes and thought of her smile to vanish the greedy buzzing in her mind from here on out, ignoring the aching in her chest when it did.

It would have to be enough.


End file.
